Wednesday and workout plans and dreams

Well, I am amazing myself. I am up and at work and it's 7:00am. I wanted to start my day early, so I could go to the gym later this afternoon. After my workout, I plan on at least watching, and goal is to participate, in the step up drop in class. Nervous. But committed to being there!

Last night I had a nightmare. I know I labeled it as a dream, but the more I think about it was a nightmare. Woke up and was pretty shook up.

What I remember about it...I was someplace with my son and was cooking oatmeal. I went to hand it to him and the bowl went all over his face, and it was like still boiling...I was trying to scrape it off with my hands and I said to him, I need to call 911...I need to call 911...and then I woke up. It was so scary. I remembered thinking to myself, "I need to remember this, so I can write about it."

So, what is it all about? One thing that comes to mind is the cigarette burn that I have on my arm. From my mom. I have repressed the memory as to how it actually happened...But I know it came from her, and her cigarette. I really want to believe it was an accident. However, I have all this stuff going around in my head, about playing with fire, and what fire does, and how fire burns.

I have difficult times with my son. I find myself sometimes acting like my mother. The one person I do NOT want to become, or be. He is pretty verbal in his feelings. And lately we have been having some heated discussions about his money, or therefore lack of. I know he is capable or managing his money, to suit his needs. I just think he is makes stupid choices. Stupid to me. Not to him. I usually end up bailing him out at the end of the month when his money runs out. This last time we had our "discussion", I told him I would not mention my thoughts, and feelings about how I think he is wasting his money..

I hate it when my mother tries to step in and tell me how to spend my money, so why shouldn't he feel the same way. I have been working on setting some boundaries with my mother and her involvement in my finances. Recently we were having a discussion about my part time job and what I was doing with the money I was making. Her first comment was, "You are putting it in the bank, right? No, you are probably spending it." Well, I said nothing. She went on some more...Finally, I made the statement, "Of course I am putting it in the bank.". And I am. All my money goes into the bank...how long it stays there is dependant...on what I might decide to do.

So, I see myself becoming like her. A nightmare I never wanted to come true. That's if I look at the overall picture. If I look at the small parts, I see I my have her tendancies, but I am not her. I am aware and I work on changing the habits in me.

For instance, my mother and I cannot really have a conversation. Usually it ends up into a struggle match. So, easiest solution is just make small talk. Nothing important. With my son, I try to engage in healthy discussions. And I listen. For the most part. Sometimes, it's hard, when he is talking about stuff that I don't understand, or get...but I listen and I am aware how my mother would react and how I am choosing to react. So, that's different.

Critical. That's the one word that sums up her. Critical of every single thing I do. Or try. Critical of SP. Critical of my not making more of myself. Critical of my spending habits, or should I say, saving habits. Critical of the way I dress. Critical of what I drive. Critical of how I raised my son. Critical of my work.

Now to change that around...into something positive for me. I am of the same mold, however, I can change my thought process. Think before speaking. Adding a good for you...for wanting to change. That sort of thing.

Well, this is about me and my journey to finding out who I really am. Deep down inside here.

I am a loving, caring, thoughtful person. I want to work on creating change for how I react to the "negatives" of my family circle. I want to spend time with my son, and have it be fun. I am hoping that with our joining the Y, we can start that process.