Well, it's been a while since I blogged. I have had the best and worst day of my life, this year. Getting the worst out of the way...I had a blow up with my mother this morning...I have been staying at my sister's, and she is here, too. She gets so bossy sometimes. Today, she got mad at me because I spoke up to her...she throws all the stuff from the past at me. It's very frustrating. I just want to scream out at her all the shit that I took, growing up...and that I am an adult and not going to take it anymore. Instead, I make some comment about not being perfect, like she expects, pack up all my stuff, and leave. Only I couldn't really leave, at least not until I finished the laundry. So, I came down to the basement, and read for a bit. Granted, this all happened very early this morning. So, when the dryer was done, I folded up my clothes and then went to the office.
And now for the best....it was a good day at the office. Got alot of stuff done, plus was on SP. I sent all kinds of goodies to the different folks that I have met, on SP. Plus, I booked the hotel for St. Louis. Figured I better, seeing as Jen mentioned that they were going to stay Monday night at the same hotel...I am 100% committed. I paid my $$ and I am going. I am nervous and scared. I have never...well, I can't say never, after all I did fly to Edmonton to see Val and her hubby, after we met online and communicated for a year or so...but this is different. But, not really...These gals are great to chat with and I guess my low self esteem comes up. Especially after that blowout with my mom.
Some of my friends here in town think I am crazy. But, then they are the ones who do not "get" why I do SP, etc. I have to look back..they thought I was crazy when I went to Edmonton. But nevertheless, I am excited....I have a reliable car...at least I hope it is...it's brand new...I had a GREAT week, process serving. Made more than enough money to cover the trip. And the best part...I am going to be free, from worrying about work...the house...Jason...the cats...I am actually doing something for me!!
And, when I get back I will be housesitting for a month for J&S. Then, I will finish my house up and clean up all the mess from the breakin and settle myself into my house. Spend time at home. Figure out who I am. I spend all my time doing things...mostly for others...I need to do something for me.
And as far as my mother...well, I am going to have to deal with that, too. In time. I need her to let me go. Let me live my life..and know I am not perfect. And that I am breaking away from the dysfunction. I need to, for me!!
So, the best and worst, combined.
It feels good getting this down and out of my head.
The plan-Friday, finish up at day job and process serve as many of the new papers that I can
Friday night-go to J&S's and cover all that I will be doing in my housesitting
Saturday-get up early and process serve...until around 3:00pm or so. Go take care of cats and get them setup for the long weekend. Pack..Leave for St. Louis.
Of course, I may not get out of town until a bit later, but I'd like to drive at least 5 hours or so, then find a hotel and call it a night. Up Sunday and finish the drive. I have lots of time to see the scenery and I hope that the weather holds, and roads remain clear.
Fun!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Some of the best things come in brown boxes
Today I got the most wonderful gift! Three people from SP, sent me a cheer me up package. It made me cry. In it were a couple boxes of 100 calorie snack packs, a keychain flashlight, Super "Curious George" who will be watching over the house, a gift card from that I can use to replace the "stolen" bath products, kitty treats for my kitties, and from my buddy Romeo...his favorite St. Louis Cardinals blanket/throw.
When I tried to explain to my cube partner what it represented, he just looked at me like I was "crazy". Well, maybe I am. But then he's a guy, and guys' just don't get it, sometimes.
So, I set Super "Curious George" by my phone to keep me smiling as my workday was a bitch and I put Romeo's blanket on my legs to keep me warm. The office is on the chilly side lately and it was like I had him watching over me, too!
A very nice day, indeed. And brown boxes rock!
When I tried to explain to my cube partner what it represented, he just looked at me like I was "crazy". Well, maybe I am. But then he's a guy, and guys' just don't get it, sometimes.
So, I set Super "Curious George" by my phone to keep me smiling as my workday was a bitch and I put Romeo's blanket on my legs to keep me warm. The office is on the chilly side lately and it was like I had him watching over me, too!
A very nice day, indeed. And brown boxes rock!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
New Car
Well, I did it. I went and bought a new car. 2008 Chevrolet Impala. I still am in awe when I get into it and drive. It has that brand spanking new smell. 27 miles. That is what the odometer says. When I got my 2003 Rendevous on July 11, 2005 it had just over 16,000 miles on it...when I traded it in it had over 76,000 miles. 30 months owning the car and 2000 miles average a month. I am sure I will have miles totalling up soon enough on this car. I think I have driven it about 65 miles so far.
I am staying at my sisters for a few days. I still have work I want to do in my house and didn't want to wear out my welcome at my friends place. So, here I am. I need to put a plan together and have a date that I am going to return to my house. But, right now I just don't want to.
Well, nothing else much to say, except that I am tired and I am calling it a night.
Happy sleeping!
I am staying at my sisters for a few days. I still have work I want to do in my house and didn't want to wear out my welcome at my friends place. So, here I am. I need to put a plan together and have a date that I am going to return to my house. But, right now I just don't want to.
Well, nothing else much to say, except that I am tired and I am calling it a night.
Happy sleeping!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Boring
I am not not wanting to do anything right now. I just want to crawl up and go to sleep somewhere. Not that I am tired. I did get lots of sleep last night. I just ate some shit that I was not really good for me. Those cookies...and then that 1/2 of pasties.
I am so sick to my stomach. Why did I do that? I was overhungry, granted. But the fear I felt when I went and did that posting. I was scared to death someone was going to come out of that house and "get me". I wonder if I am going to ever be myself again? I cannot go up to a friggin house and tape a document to it? My gosh, that's gotta be a simple thing to do.
What am I going to do? I cannot live this way. Will the fear subside? It just sucks that some stupid ass(s) could do this and make me live in fear. I used to be pretty fearless. Now..my own shadow scares me. I have got to get through this...I cannot let this affect me this way.
I am so sick to my stomach. Why did I do that? I was overhungry, granted. But the fear I felt when I went and did that posting. I was scared to death someone was going to come out of that house and "get me". I wonder if I am going to ever be myself again? I cannot go up to a friggin house and tape a document to it? My gosh, that's gotta be a simple thing to do.
What am I going to do? I cannot live this way. Will the fear subside? It just sucks that some stupid ass(s) could do this and make me live in fear. I used to be pretty fearless. Now..my own shadow scares me. I have got to get through this...I cannot let this affect me this way.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Procrastinating
Ok...so the conference call is over, lunch is over...I told my sandbox friends I was heading to my house to clean it. But, here I sit. I cannot continue procrastinating about this. I know, in my head, it's safe there. I know it's daylight. I know I can lock myself in the house. I know I will have my cell phone. I know my cats are braver than me...they are still there...And I need to be, too. Well, I am off to KMart...first...I decided I need rubber gloves. Then, to the house I go.
I have to. I will do this. I can do this. I am a strong, confident woman who has lived on her own for 35 years. I am letting some asswipe control me, with fear? Some pathetic asshole...brings me to this? I need to remind myself that I AM a survivor. I have survived many tramatic things in my childhood...and I will SURVIVE this!
To KMart I go.
I have to. I will do this. I can do this. I am a strong, confident woman who has lived on her own for 35 years. I am letting some asswipe control me, with fear? Some pathetic asshole...brings me to this? I need to remind myself that I AM a survivor. I have survived many tramatic things in my childhood...and I will SURVIVE this!
To KMart I go.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Violated
Well, it's taken me some time to sit here and write about what happened to me Monday night.
It pisses me off that someone took it upon themselves to enter my home, univited, and do the stuff that was done. First, just going in...next taking a shit in front of my refrigerator. Was that a message...like shit on you for not having any money or good food in the freezer? Who knows. My freezer was raided and 80% of food taken or left out to thaw. One thing I know is that the thief must not like califlower. Both packages were left behind. One on the table, the other on top of the refrigerator. Nor, open packages..The Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches were left melted on the table.
How Monday night unfolded...first, lucky for me...don't ask why I say lucky, because no luck was there at home when I arrived...I got home just before 10:00pm...lucky it was not 3 or 4 in the am. I am walking to my back door and I notice a set of footprints and what looks like bike tracks going to my backyard. I remember thinking that's strange...see we just had some fresh snow, not much, but enough that prints were left. I step up on the back porch and it's eeire, because I do not see a white door looking at me through the storm door. I see inside my house. Not a good feeling. I open the storm door and step in...I am thinking I know I shut this door when I left this morning...I know I did...then I look to the left and I see the door to my kitchen is open...well I KNOW, for a fact, that was closed. It is closed all the time. See, I have three cats. And two of them do not get along. So, one stays in the basement and the other two on the main floor. I could also see my freezer door was open...well, I backed myself out of the house, and somehow made it to my car and locked myself in. Call 911...breathe...call 911 breathe...I was hyperventalating...and all I could think about was what if they are still in there? What about my cats? What about that brand new freakin' laptop that I just bought? Finally, I get through to the city 911...they take the information...and say they will have a car out as soon as possible? soon as possible..what's with that? Don't they get it? Someone may still be in there...I call my neighbor as I see her lights are on. She wants me to come in and wait there. I do. Why are the police not coming? It's been 20 minutes. I am finally breathing normally...Now it's been a half hour..now I am thinking why did I drink all that water...I have to pee...I cannot pee here. It's been more than 30 minutes. Time to call them again. 911 tells me "They know" they will be there as soon as they can. about 50 minutes after my first call, I get a call from another friend whose brother just called him to tell him that police were on the way. He has a police scanner and that was the first call out on it.
I go outside and the officer comes up and tells me to stay in their house. She was waiting for backup and they would go in my house to check and see if anyone still is in there. They come back in a couple minutes and she wants me to go with her. To see what is missing in my house.
How the hell do I know. Shit is thrown all over the place. I look for the new 19" flat screen TV/computer monitor I recently bought. It had been sitting in the corner, by the stove...gone...I just see shit all over the place..not physical shit, like what was left in front of my refrigerator. But all my stuff has been tossed all over. I cannot find the remote to my lights, so we are navigating around in the dark, with her flashlight. I go to the front porch...more stuff thrown all over the place..how can I tell if anything is missing???
Next, I think..laptop...go to the bedroom and there it is...sitting on my bed..well, that's nice. They left that...but all my drawers were open dumped on the floor, my bed, all over the place. Well, I am relieved about the laptop...but the house is a mess. Stuff strewn all over the place..from the closets, the shelves..Unimaginable.
Nothing else big was missing, that I could tell, anyways. Who knows on the small stuff. What kind of jewelry did I have in my jewelry box? I don't know..it's been several years since I wore any. I do know it wasn't expensive...
So, all I want to do is get out of there. I had made plans to spend the night at Jerry and Earl's..so I ran down to the basement...which pretty much looked untouched...who knows though..I have to get down there and go through the stuff. Went to the dryer and grabbed some clothes and went up the stairs, with the officer.
She suggests that I call and get the locks changed..that Home Depot is open 24 hours for this. Well, I for one, did not think I wanted to shell out the $$ for a midnight service call, so I decided to turn the outside lights on and lock both the deadbolt and the regular lock. She asked me about who might have keys to my house..might I have left the house unlocked...stuff like that. Like in the condition my mind was in, I would know?
I know I make a habit of double checking the door every time I leave to make sure it's locked. I know I didn't make a habit of using a deadbolt. I knew that I have a doggie door, that was latched from the inside. And MOST OF ALL I KNEW someone had been in my house, UNIVITED!!
Well, I cannot do anything more, so I walk to the car and drive to Jerry and Earl's. We talk for a bit and then go to bed. I cannot sleep. I get up 4 or 5 times to pee...after all I did drink like 24 waters that day..I remember seeing 2:57AM on the clock. I jumped at every outside sound. I lay awake after a mini nightmares. Finally, it's time to get up. It's light outside. I grab my clothes and decide to head home. I want to see what it looks like in the daylight. I look around and just shake my head. I do find all three of my cats. One was locked out on the front porch, the other two came to me, when I here "kitty, kittied". I went and got into the shower, thinking about everything I would be clearing out. I was going to throw out everything that was not being used, or have plans for using. As I go to reach for my shampoo, it's not there. I think, what the F?? Where is it? I start looking and I see all the body wash stuff is gone. That's great...what kind of thief leaves a laptop, but takes shampoo? A dirty one? A shitty one? Who knows. I finish up, not washing my hair, and get dressed and out of there.
I go to Home Depot and buy new locks and deadbolts.. Also, I buy a dusk to dawn thing to put in my light socket over the back door. And industrial strength garbage bags...I am getting rid of everything in there...that I can. All food, toothbrushes, toothpaste...all of it. Trash...I will have a clean empty house. That remains lit up at all times. And the TV blaring, too.
I planned to do a night of cleaning and then sleep today. But, I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that I decided to find a cheap hotel and spend the night there. I checked in about 4pm yesterday and slept a couple hours. Then, up and went and got something to eat, then stopped at KMart and bought some shampoo, toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash...all that stuff..and a new pair of jeans. Three sizes smaller than I have been wearing. I am amazed. And on clearance, too. So, then back to the hotel and watch the Biggest Loser. Then, I call it a night and sleep like a baby. Triple locked in my room..no one is gonna get me. No one.
Tonight I am planning on staying at my house. I am nervous, and scared. But I have to stay there, sometime, right? I don't know how I am going to get through this.
I have too. I have to remember I live with 3 cats. That's not gonna change. I can only make myself safer. Gonna look into getting an alarm system, too.
Violated. Sucks. Hope whoever did this, dies...soon..or better yet, gets violated. Maybe next house that this thief hits, has something hit him/her first.
Bitter. Yes. Very. My life has been changed. By some asshole(s). For what? Food? Shampoo? A TV? Sucks.
It pisses me off that someone took it upon themselves to enter my home, univited, and do the stuff that was done. First, just going in...next taking a shit in front of my refrigerator. Was that a message...like shit on you for not having any money or good food in the freezer? Who knows. My freezer was raided and 80% of food taken or left out to thaw. One thing I know is that the thief must not like califlower. Both packages were left behind. One on the table, the other on top of the refrigerator. Nor, open packages..The Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches were left melted on the table.
How Monday night unfolded...first, lucky for me...don't ask why I say lucky, because no luck was there at home when I arrived...I got home just before 10:00pm...lucky it was not 3 or 4 in the am. I am walking to my back door and I notice a set of footprints and what looks like bike tracks going to my backyard. I remember thinking that's strange...see we just had some fresh snow, not much, but enough that prints were left. I step up on the back porch and it's eeire, because I do not see a white door looking at me through the storm door. I see inside my house. Not a good feeling. I open the storm door and step in...I am thinking I know I shut this door when I left this morning...I know I did...then I look to the left and I see the door to my kitchen is open...well I KNOW, for a fact, that was closed. It is closed all the time. See, I have three cats. And two of them do not get along. So, one stays in the basement and the other two on the main floor. I could also see my freezer door was open...well, I backed myself out of the house, and somehow made it to my car and locked myself in. Call 911...breathe...call 911 breathe...I was hyperventalating...and all I could think about was what if they are still in there? What about my cats? What about that brand new freakin' laptop that I just bought? Finally, I get through to the city 911...they take the information...and say they will have a car out as soon as possible? soon as possible..what's with that? Don't they get it? Someone may still be in there...I call my neighbor as I see her lights are on. She wants me to come in and wait there. I do. Why are the police not coming? It's been 20 minutes. I am finally breathing normally...Now it's been a half hour..now I am thinking why did I drink all that water...I have to pee...I cannot pee here. It's been more than 30 minutes. Time to call them again. 911 tells me "They know" they will be there as soon as they can. about 50 minutes after my first call, I get a call from another friend whose brother just called him to tell him that police were on the way. He has a police scanner and that was the first call out on it.
I go outside and the officer comes up and tells me to stay in their house. She was waiting for backup and they would go in my house to check and see if anyone still is in there. They come back in a couple minutes and she wants me to go with her. To see what is missing in my house.
How the hell do I know. Shit is thrown all over the place. I look for the new 19" flat screen TV/computer monitor I recently bought. It had been sitting in the corner, by the stove...gone...I just see shit all over the place..not physical shit, like what was left in front of my refrigerator. But all my stuff has been tossed all over. I cannot find the remote to my lights, so we are navigating around in the dark, with her flashlight. I go to the front porch...more stuff thrown all over the place..how can I tell if anything is missing???
Next, I think..laptop...go to the bedroom and there it is...sitting on my bed..well, that's nice. They left that...but all my drawers were open dumped on the floor, my bed, all over the place. Well, I am relieved about the laptop...but the house is a mess. Stuff strewn all over the place..from the closets, the shelves..Unimaginable.
Nothing else big was missing, that I could tell, anyways. Who knows on the small stuff. What kind of jewelry did I have in my jewelry box? I don't know..it's been several years since I wore any. I do know it wasn't expensive...
So, all I want to do is get out of there. I had made plans to spend the night at Jerry and Earl's..so I ran down to the basement...which pretty much looked untouched...who knows though..I have to get down there and go through the stuff. Went to the dryer and grabbed some clothes and went up the stairs, with the officer.
She suggests that I call and get the locks changed..that Home Depot is open 24 hours for this. Well, I for one, did not think I wanted to shell out the $$ for a midnight service call, so I decided to turn the outside lights on and lock both the deadbolt and the regular lock. She asked me about who might have keys to my house..might I have left the house unlocked...stuff like that. Like in the condition my mind was in, I would know?
I know I make a habit of double checking the door every time I leave to make sure it's locked. I know I didn't make a habit of using a deadbolt. I knew that I have a doggie door, that was latched from the inside. And MOST OF ALL I KNEW someone had been in my house, UNIVITED!!
Well, I cannot do anything more, so I walk to the car and drive to Jerry and Earl's. We talk for a bit and then go to bed. I cannot sleep. I get up 4 or 5 times to pee...after all I did drink like 24 waters that day..I remember seeing 2:57AM on the clock. I jumped at every outside sound. I lay awake after a mini nightmares. Finally, it's time to get up. It's light outside. I grab my clothes and decide to head home. I want to see what it looks like in the daylight. I look around and just shake my head. I do find all three of my cats. One was locked out on the front porch, the other two came to me, when I here "kitty, kittied". I went and got into the shower, thinking about everything I would be clearing out. I was going to throw out everything that was not being used, or have plans for using. As I go to reach for my shampoo, it's not there. I think, what the F?? Where is it? I start looking and I see all the body wash stuff is gone. That's great...what kind of thief leaves a laptop, but takes shampoo? A dirty one? A shitty one? Who knows. I finish up, not washing my hair, and get dressed and out of there.
I go to Home Depot and buy new locks and deadbolts.. Also, I buy a dusk to dawn thing to put in my light socket over the back door. And industrial strength garbage bags...I am getting rid of everything in there...that I can. All food, toothbrushes, toothpaste...all of it. Trash...I will have a clean empty house. That remains lit up at all times. And the TV blaring, too.
I planned to do a night of cleaning and then sleep today. But, I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that I decided to find a cheap hotel and spend the night there. I checked in about 4pm yesterday and slept a couple hours. Then, up and went and got something to eat, then stopped at KMart and bought some shampoo, toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash...all that stuff..and a new pair of jeans. Three sizes smaller than I have been wearing. I am amazed. And on clearance, too. So, then back to the hotel and watch the Biggest Loser. Then, I call it a night and sleep like a baby. Triple locked in my room..no one is gonna get me. No one.
Tonight I am planning on staying at my house. I am nervous, and scared. But I have to stay there, sometime, right? I don't know how I am going to get through this.
I have too. I have to remember I live with 3 cats. That's not gonna change. I can only make myself safer. Gonna look into getting an alarm system, too.
Violated. Sucks. Hope whoever did this, dies...soon..or better yet, gets violated. Maybe next house that this thief hits, has something hit him/her first.
Bitter. Yes. Very. My life has been changed. By some asshole(s). For what? Food? Shampoo? A TV? Sucks.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The F word
Gonna eliminate it from my life. No longer will I let the F word define me, or my life.
Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time to start on the elimination process of the F word from my life.
I know that I cannot do everything, all at one time, or else I will burn out..and hurt myself..and then never want to work out again.
So, I started out on the bike. Went 20 minutes. Moved on to the ellipitcal. Thought I could do at least 5 minutes...haha..I lasted 2.5 minutes and was ready to collapse. Well, 2.5 is better than none. Take that F word. Slow but sure YOU will be off my body, and out of my life.
By the reads of it, I have some hate towards the F word. And that's right...I hate being the F word. I hate all the the F word represents to me and my body. I am tired of the F word being total consuming of my life. I am kicking the F word -- out.
One day and step at a time...F will be disappearing from me. Going, going, gone. One pound at a time. Hell, one ounce at a time...I just know it's time for the F word and me to end our relationship.
Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time to start on the elimination process of the F word from my life.
I know that I cannot do everything, all at one time, or else I will burn out..and hurt myself..and then never want to work out again.
So, I started out on the bike. Went 20 minutes. Moved on to the ellipitcal. Thought I could do at least 5 minutes...haha..I lasted 2.5 minutes and was ready to collapse. Well, 2.5 is better than none. Take that F word. Slow but sure YOU will be off my body, and out of my life.
By the reads of it, I have some hate towards the F word. And that's right...I hate being the F word. I hate all the the F word represents to me and my body. I am tired of the F word being total consuming of my life. I am kicking the F word -- out.
One day and step at a time...F will be disappearing from me. Going, going, gone. One pound at a time. Hell, one ounce at a time...I just know it's time for the F word and me to end our relationship.
January 17th and feeling old and the F word
Today is my baby brother's 40th birthday. I cannot believe that he is 40 years old. I cannot believe that it's been 40 years since I have been struggling with all this extra weight I carry on me.
It was not long after he was born, and I was shoved into the "mother" role that I realized how "big" I was. I hated when people thought I was his mother. Summer of 1968 brings back all those memories of pushing him in the stroller, around the neighborhood, and people thinking he was my kid. After all my mother was "old". No way could it be her kid. I hated it. People thinking that one, I was old enough to have a kid, and that I looked that old...just because I was talll...and fat.
Fat. A three letter word. One word I have heard, written, said, thought, hated..more than any other word in the English language.
Definition of fat--according to me. Fat-me. Overweight. Non desired. Something I will always be. Something that I hate. Fat-my whole family.
I hate fat. I am deciding not to make it my fat e. I am going to take the word and redine it for me. Fat-a process, a struggle...something to work through and set aside. A word that I can remove from my vocabulary.
Obese-another F word. Maybe that's what I will say instead of fat. The F word. People can just wonder what I mean. They might think F*ck..is the F word. No...today. Fat is the F word. I am eliminating the F word from my life.
Talk about a rambling blog...this is it.
Just changed the title to this blog. Gonna bite that F word in the butt. No pun intended.
It was not long after he was born, and I was shoved into the "mother" role that I realized how "big" I was. I hated when people thought I was his mother. Summer of 1968 brings back all those memories of pushing him in the stroller, around the neighborhood, and people thinking he was my kid. After all my mother was "old". No way could it be her kid. I hated it. People thinking that one, I was old enough to have a kid, and that I looked that old...just because I was talll...and fat.
Fat. A three letter word. One word I have heard, written, said, thought, hated..more than any other word in the English language.
Definition of fat--according to me. Fat-me. Overweight. Non desired. Something I will always be. Something that I hate. Fat-my whole family.
I hate fat. I am deciding not to make it my fat e. I am going to take the word and redine it for me. Fat-a process, a struggle...something to work through and set aside. A word that I can remove from my vocabulary.
Obese-another F word. Maybe that's what I will say instead of fat. The F word. People can just wonder what I mean. They might think F*ck..is the F word. No...today. Fat is the F word. I am eliminating the F word from my life.
Talk about a rambling blog...this is it.
Just changed the title to this blog. Gonna bite that F word in the butt. No pun intended.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wednesday and workout plans and dreams
Well, I am amazing myself. I am up and at work and it's 7:00am. I wanted to start my day early, so I could go to the gym later this afternoon. After my workout, I plan on at least watching, and goal is to participate, in the step up drop in class. Nervous. But committed to being there!
Last night I had a nightmare. I know I labeled it as a dream, but the more I think about it was a nightmare. Woke up and was pretty shook up.
What I remember about it...I was someplace with my son and was cooking oatmeal. I went to hand it to him and the bowl went all over his face, and it was like still boiling...I was trying to scrape it off with my hands and I said to him, I need to call 911...I need to call 911...and then I woke up. It was so scary. I remembered thinking to myself, "I need to remember this, so I can write about it."
So, what is it all about? One thing that comes to mind is the cigarette burn that I have on my arm. From my mom. I have repressed the memory as to how it actually happened...But I know it came from her, and her cigarette. I really want to believe it was an accident. However, I have all this stuff going around in my head, about playing with fire, and what fire does, and how fire burns.
I have difficult times with my son. I find myself sometimes acting like my mother. The one person I do NOT want to become, or be. He is pretty verbal in his feelings. And lately we have been having some heated discussions about his money, or therefore lack of. I know he is capable or managing his money, to suit his needs. I just think he is makes stupid choices. Stupid to me. Not to him. I usually end up bailing him out at the end of the month when his money runs out. This last time we had our "discussion", I told him I would not mention my thoughts, and feelings about how I think he is wasting his money..
I hate it when my mother tries to step in and tell me how to spend my money, so why shouldn't he feel the same way. I have been working on setting some boundaries with my mother and her involvement in my finances. Recently we were having a discussion about my part time job and what I was doing with the money I was making. Her first comment was, "You are putting it in the bank, right? No, you are probably spending it." Well, I said nothing. She went on some more...Finally, I made the statement, "Of course I am putting it in the bank.". And I am. All my money goes into the bank...how long it stays there is dependant...on what I might decide to do.
So, I see myself becoming like her. A nightmare I never wanted to come true. That's if I look at the overall picture. If I look at the small parts, I see I my have her tendancies, but I am not her. I am aware and I work on changing the habits in me.
For instance, my mother and I cannot really have a conversation. Usually it ends up into a struggle match. So, easiest solution is just make small talk. Nothing important. With my son, I try to engage in healthy discussions. And I listen. For the most part. Sometimes, it's hard, when he is talking about stuff that I don't understand, or get...but I listen and I am aware how my mother would react and how I am choosing to react. So, that's different.
Critical. That's the one word that sums up her. Critical of every single thing I do. Or try. Critical of SP. Critical of my not making more of myself. Critical of my spending habits, or should I say, saving habits. Critical of the way I dress. Critical of what I drive. Critical of how I raised my son. Critical of my work.
Now to change that around...into something positive for me. I am of the same mold, however, I can change my thought process. Think before speaking. Adding a good for you...for wanting to change. That sort of thing.
Well, this is about me and my journey to finding out who I really am. Deep down inside here.
I am a loving, caring, thoughtful person. I want to work on creating change for how I react to the "negatives" of my family circle. I want to spend time with my son, and have it be fun. I am hoping that with our joining the Y, we can start that process.
Last night I had a nightmare. I know I labeled it as a dream, but the more I think about it was a nightmare. Woke up and was pretty shook up.
What I remember about it...I was someplace with my son and was cooking oatmeal. I went to hand it to him and the bowl went all over his face, and it was like still boiling...I was trying to scrape it off with my hands and I said to him, I need to call 911...I need to call 911...and then I woke up. It was so scary. I remembered thinking to myself, "I need to remember this, so I can write about it."
So, what is it all about? One thing that comes to mind is the cigarette burn that I have on my arm. From my mom. I have repressed the memory as to how it actually happened...But I know it came from her, and her cigarette. I really want to believe it was an accident. However, I have all this stuff going around in my head, about playing with fire, and what fire does, and how fire burns.
I have difficult times with my son. I find myself sometimes acting like my mother. The one person I do NOT want to become, or be. He is pretty verbal in his feelings. And lately we have been having some heated discussions about his money, or therefore lack of. I know he is capable or managing his money, to suit his needs. I just think he is makes stupid choices. Stupid to me. Not to him. I usually end up bailing him out at the end of the month when his money runs out. This last time we had our "discussion", I told him I would not mention my thoughts, and feelings about how I think he is wasting his money..
I hate it when my mother tries to step in and tell me how to spend my money, so why shouldn't he feel the same way. I have been working on setting some boundaries with my mother and her involvement in my finances. Recently we were having a discussion about my part time job and what I was doing with the money I was making. Her first comment was, "You are putting it in the bank, right? No, you are probably spending it." Well, I said nothing. She went on some more...Finally, I made the statement, "Of course I am putting it in the bank.". And I am. All my money goes into the bank...how long it stays there is dependant...on what I might decide to do.
So, I see myself becoming like her. A nightmare I never wanted to come true. That's if I look at the overall picture. If I look at the small parts, I see I my have her tendancies, but I am not her. I am aware and I work on changing the habits in me.
For instance, my mother and I cannot really have a conversation. Usually it ends up into a struggle match. So, easiest solution is just make small talk. Nothing important. With my son, I try to engage in healthy discussions. And I listen. For the most part. Sometimes, it's hard, when he is talking about stuff that I don't understand, or get...but I listen and I am aware how my mother would react and how I am choosing to react. So, that's different.
Critical. That's the one word that sums up her. Critical of every single thing I do. Or try. Critical of SP. Critical of my not making more of myself. Critical of my spending habits, or should I say, saving habits. Critical of the way I dress. Critical of what I drive. Critical of how I raised my son. Critical of my work.
Now to change that around...into something positive for me. I am of the same mold, however, I can change my thought process. Think before speaking. Adding a good for you...for wanting to change. That sort of thing.
Well, this is about me and my journey to finding out who I really am. Deep down inside here.
I am a loving, caring, thoughtful person. I want to work on creating change for how I react to the "negatives" of my family circle. I want to spend time with my son, and have it be fun. I am hoping that with our joining the Y, we can start that process.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I did it, I joined a Health and Fitness Center today
Ok...I am ahead on one of my goals...I joined a gym. Now I just need to put together a workout schedule for myself. I really am going to think long and hard about going in the mornings, before work. How great would that be, to have worked out and have all that energy (so people say) to manage with throughout the day. Going this route, I will have to go to bed at night at a decent time. That's not been easy, in the past. We shall see.
There are many drop in classes that are also offered with the membership. So, I am going to plan my schedule around those classes I am interested in participating in.
The coolest part of all of this, is I was able to sign up for the Family Membership. So, Jason will be able to go, too, without having to have his own membership. Will save $$. He is pretty excited, too. It's right across the street from the bus station, so he will be set as far as transportation goes. For, me it's not too far to drive. It's downtown and I live about 6 miles from it.
And, another thing...today was my weigh in day. Down to 306.6. Lost 2.6 pounds from last weeks weigh in. I am .6 pounds from the weight goal I have set for 1/31/08. Looks like I am on track and will make that one. I am more excited about my 299 by 224 goal I have set for me. I have not been under 300 pounds for a long, long time. Back in 2005 I was there for a hot minute or two. I got down to 295 after I had the bariatric surgery. Right about at 18 months out. By then, the stomache muscle was being stretched back out and I was picking up eating food, unhealthy, more and more. I was having a hard time with actually going down the scales and very scared of how good I was looking.
I have lots of old baggage about all of that. I need to process and work through it. I will. Lucky for me I have Dr. V to help me with that journey. Plus, the support of my friends on SP, and my friends, in person. I just need to not listen to the negatives put out there from my family. I will reach my goal. I will be healthy. I will be happy.
Enough for now. Off to home and calling it a night. I worked until 3:30am this morning, but I got er done...and I am feeling the effects of having stayed up almost all night.
There are many drop in classes that are also offered with the membership. So, I am going to plan my schedule around those classes I am interested in participating in.
The coolest part of all of this, is I was able to sign up for the Family Membership. So, Jason will be able to go, too, without having to have his own membership. Will save $$. He is pretty excited, too. It's right across the street from the bus station, so he will be set as far as transportation goes. For, me it's not too far to drive. It's downtown and I live about 6 miles from it.
And, another thing...today was my weigh in day. Down to 306.6. Lost 2.6 pounds from last weeks weigh in. I am .6 pounds from the weight goal I have set for 1/31/08. Looks like I am on track and will make that one. I am more excited about my 299 by 224 goal I have set for me. I have not been under 300 pounds for a long, long time. Back in 2005 I was there for a hot minute or two. I got down to 295 after I had the bariatric surgery. Right about at 18 months out. By then, the stomache muscle was being stretched back out and I was picking up eating food, unhealthy, more and more. I was having a hard time with actually going down the scales and very scared of how good I was looking.
I have lots of old baggage about all of that. I need to process and work through it. I will. Lucky for me I have Dr. V to help me with that journey. Plus, the support of my friends on SP, and my friends, in person. I just need to not listen to the negatives put out there from my family. I will reach my goal. I will be healthy. I will be happy.
Enough for now. Off to home and calling it a night. I worked until 3:30am this morning, but I got er done...and I am feeling the effects of having stayed up almost all night.
Monday, January 14, 2008
One of those Mondays
Well, it has been a very busy day today. First off, I stopped in at Tim Horton's to get my one coffee of the day, the way I like it. See, today starts the day I put out there to cut out all coffee with creamer, except one. Like a one a day. One coffee with cream...after that, if I am having coffee it is straight. I am not much for straight, so on my way into the office, after delivering a light box at a school for an order, I decided to go without. I need to eliminate caffeine from my diet, and this is my way of starting. Used to be I could down 3 maybe 4 coffees with creamer, in a day. Today...one coffee...maybe that's why it's been one of those Mondays.
Got my work computer pretty much up to task. The power cord they neglected to ship with the replacement laptop arrived this morning. So, I went about changing out my laptop and hooking up the work laptop. Lots of missing stuff. So, a couple of calls to the Solution Center....what a name for those desktop support people...lol..anyways now I have all my programs available that I need today..there may be some missing items, but I guess I will get to discover them as I work.
Speaking of work..hard to get motivated to do, today. I have to get this finished tonight as my billing cycle needs to run first thing in the morning. I have been waiting like 45 minutes for a process to complete. The way it is looking, it might never complete. I may well be doing the 33 change orders, one by one, instead of doing the copy mode. I am giving it a 15 more minutes and then I will kill the process and manually do the 32 that are left. Then, I still have work to complete. So, it's gonna be a long night tonight. The more I blog, the longer it will be.
Procrastination, my best friend...today. I need use my 15 minutes to get this work done. Well, I guess by saying I am waiting 15 more minutes, gives me 15 minutes here to blog.
Then, off I will go.
Yesterday was a profitable day. I went process serving...and I did NOT want to. I kept trying to talk myself into quitting for the day, after each stop. Then, I would get a hit and think...ok...a few more and look at the $$ you are earning...pay off those bills. So, I continued on. I finished about 4:00pm. Came into the office, thinking I was going to work on my billing cycle, only I didn't.
Instead, I drove over to a EM's place to look at the notices she is getting for money owed back to the State of MI, for her 2006 tax return. Man, she needed to call before this week...the stuff she has is dated last October. She had 60 days to dispute it. Now...it's been more than 60 days...And, she expects me to get it fixed, because I did her taxes...for free...because she is of the financially burdened...and I used to do...did I say used to??? maybe I will be giving it up...do tax returns for those who could not afford to pay to have them done, from the church I used to go to...It's probably not a big deal...but the bill she has been getting for the last few months is...now over $500...because she did not respond to the October letter. Anyways, at least I went there to get the stuff to see what I could figure out...now I have a self imposed deadline of Wednesday to complete it. Top priority for tomorrow.
Just looked at the clock..got about 8 minutes of my 15 left.
After I left her place, I went home and crawled in bed. It was 7:15pm. I was exhausted. First, the screwy hours I kept the last few days...and the fact that 3 or 4 nights of 4 or 5 hours, equals needing to catch up. I slept until 7:45am. I was up at least 4 times to pee...when you drink water, you pee...lots...
Speaking of water, I am at 19 cups right now. I intend on getting a few more in before the night is over. I am really liking the hot tea flavored water I have been drinking. Today, I have 12 cups alone with that. It's very soothing and filling...and keeps you moving...to the bathroom...lol..
Time to say, goodnight, here. Back to work.
Got my work computer pretty much up to task. The power cord they neglected to ship with the replacement laptop arrived this morning. So, I went about changing out my laptop and hooking up the work laptop. Lots of missing stuff. So, a couple of calls to the Solution Center....what a name for those desktop support people...lol..anyways now I have all my programs available that I need today..there may be some missing items, but I guess I will get to discover them as I work.
Speaking of work..hard to get motivated to do, today. I have to get this finished tonight as my billing cycle needs to run first thing in the morning. I have been waiting like 45 minutes for a process to complete. The way it is looking, it might never complete. I may well be doing the 33 change orders, one by one, instead of doing the copy mode. I am giving it a 15 more minutes and then I will kill the process and manually do the 32 that are left. Then, I still have work to complete. So, it's gonna be a long night tonight. The more I blog, the longer it will be.
Procrastination, my best friend...today. I need use my 15 minutes to get this work done. Well, I guess by saying I am waiting 15 more minutes, gives me 15 minutes here to blog.
Then, off I will go.
Yesterday was a profitable day. I went process serving...and I did NOT want to. I kept trying to talk myself into quitting for the day, after each stop. Then, I would get a hit and think...ok...a few more and look at the $$ you are earning...pay off those bills. So, I continued on. I finished about 4:00pm. Came into the office, thinking I was going to work on my billing cycle, only I didn't.
Instead, I drove over to a EM's place to look at the notices she is getting for money owed back to the State of MI, for her 2006 tax return. Man, she needed to call before this week...the stuff she has is dated last October. She had 60 days to dispute it. Now...it's been more than 60 days...And, she expects me to get it fixed, because I did her taxes...for free...because she is of the financially burdened...and I used to do...did I say used to??? maybe I will be giving it up...do tax returns for those who could not afford to pay to have them done, from the church I used to go to...It's probably not a big deal...but the bill she has been getting for the last few months is...now over $500...because she did not respond to the October letter. Anyways, at least I went there to get the stuff to see what I could figure out...now I have a self imposed deadline of Wednesday to complete it. Top priority for tomorrow.
Just looked at the clock..got about 8 minutes of my 15 left.
After I left her place, I went home and crawled in bed. It was 7:15pm. I was exhausted. First, the screwy hours I kept the last few days...and the fact that 3 or 4 nights of 4 or 5 hours, equals needing to catch up. I slept until 7:45am. I was up at least 4 times to pee...when you drink water, you pee...lots...
Speaking of water, I am at 19 cups right now. I intend on getting a few more in before the night is over. I am really liking the hot tea flavored water I have been drinking. Today, I have 12 cups alone with that. It's very soothing and filling...and keeps you moving...to the bathroom...lol..
Time to say, goodnight, here. Back to work.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Time to call it a night
Been working strange hours again the last couple of days. I have had tons of energy and I find myself working at getting all kinds of stuff done. So, this morning I did a bit of catch up sleep from the day before.
I had wanted to get out process serving earlier, but I didn't start until about 4:30pm. Kinda productive for the hour that I ran. Served two and got 4 bad addresses and one butt head who I knew would not be there...or if she was there she would not answer the door. It will be so much fun when I get it back to POST to the door. Watch out, Duct Tape works wonders making things stick to doors. I have been to that house like 6 times and no answer, no call back. This paper will end up going back, too. Just like the one she had before. So 7 down and 30 to go, for tomorrow. 6 of the 30 are posts, so that really puts me down to 24. Nice.
I have decided that the money I am earning for this part time job is going to be used to pay off my debt I have accumulated. In fact, that's one of my 2008 goals. To have 50% of my debt paid off by the end of the year. It's doable, based on the number of papers I average a week.
Several of my friends worry a bit about me doing this line of work. I figure when your time is up, it's up. Besides all the stuff I serve has to do with financial institutions, not the hard core stuff. Another good reason to pay off my debt. I don't need me, looking for me, if something happens and I am unable to fulfill paying my debt's.
I find it rewarding. Like, you can run but you can't hide...because we WILL find you...or you WILL have the papers posted to your door. Takes me back to when I was a kid and was going to be like Perry Mason and his crew of people. Figure it out and make it right. Plus, most people are not expecting a female process server. Lucky for my the guy I started working for, in the beginning, is gay, because otherwise, the big boss would never had a gal out there serving.
I also have moved up the line. I now work directly for the big boss. Make a bit more $$ and I don't have to make two trips a week to drop off completed work and pick up new work. That leaves my Thursday and Friday nights somewhat normal. Unless, you wait until the last minute to put everything together, on Thursday night, like I did this week.
So busy working on all the other areas of my life, that I sorta let the papers take a back burner. The served ones were complete, but I had 27 affidavits that I had to type and print and staple to the papers for the bad addresses or the butt heads who I couldn't get over the course of three weeks. That's what takes time.
I won't let something like that happen again. So, going forward, I have set a deadline of having all my paperwork completed by Wednesday night. That leaves me to be stress free from the part time job the rest of the week. I can review all that is going back on Thursday evening, and be ready when the big boss collects them on Friday afternoon.
Well, see my fingers got the stuff onto this blog, and out of my head. That's how it works, for me and my writing.
Anyways, if you are reading this and wondering what the ???...I wonder the same thing, too.
I had wanted to get out process serving earlier, but I didn't start until about 4:30pm. Kinda productive for the hour that I ran. Served two and got 4 bad addresses and one butt head who I knew would not be there...or if she was there she would not answer the door. It will be so much fun when I get it back to POST to the door. Watch out, Duct Tape works wonders making things stick to doors. I have been to that house like 6 times and no answer, no call back. This paper will end up going back, too. Just like the one she had before. So 7 down and 30 to go, for tomorrow. 6 of the 30 are posts, so that really puts me down to 24. Nice.
I have decided that the money I am earning for this part time job is going to be used to pay off my debt I have accumulated. In fact, that's one of my 2008 goals. To have 50% of my debt paid off by the end of the year. It's doable, based on the number of papers I average a week.
Several of my friends worry a bit about me doing this line of work. I figure when your time is up, it's up. Besides all the stuff I serve has to do with financial institutions, not the hard core stuff. Another good reason to pay off my debt. I don't need me, looking for me, if something happens and I am unable to fulfill paying my debt's.
I find it rewarding. Like, you can run but you can't hide...because we WILL find you...or you WILL have the papers posted to your door. Takes me back to when I was a kid and was going to be like Perry Mason and his crew of people. Figure it out and make it right. Plus, most people are not expecting a female process server. Lucky for my the guy I started working for, in the beginning, is gay, because otherwise, the big boss would never had a gal out there serving.
I also have moved up the line. I now work directly for the big boss. Make a bit more $$ and I don't have to make two trips a week to drop off completed work and pick up new work. That leaves my Thursday and Friday nights somewhat normal. Unless, you wait until the last minute to put everything together, on Thursday night, like I did this week.
So busy working on all the other areas of my life, that I sorta let the papers take a back burner. The served ones were complete, but I had 27 affidavits that I had to type and print and staple to the papers for the bad addresses or the butt heads who I couldn't get over the course of three weeks. That's what takes time.
I won't let something like that happen again. So, going forward, I have set a deadline of having all my paperwork completed by Wednesday night. That leaves me to be stress free from the part time job the rest of the week. I can review all that is going back on Thursday evening, and be ready when the big boss collects them on Friday afternoon.
Well, see my fingers got the stuff onto this blog, and out of my head. That's how it works, for me and my writing.
Anyways, if you are reading this and wondering what the ???...I wonder the same thing, too.
It's all about me
I need to remind myself that's what my focus needs to be. About me. Not everyone else. I spend way too much time making sure everything is okay in everyone else's world. I have been taking a little bit of time since the beginning of 2008 for me. And it's pretty nice. Funny how L see things so differently when I am first.
I find that journaling and writing help me most in figuring out who I am. Where I came from, etc. And I have filled tons of notebooks with my ramblings. But I have not done much more than that. I have wanted to have one place to store all my written work and I think this just might be the place.
I have put together my 2008 goals and I believe they are realistic. I shared them with Dr. V on Monday. She seems to think they are, too. Kinda scary watching her write them down in my chart. And I know she was writing them down, because she asked me to repeat one of them.
Anyways, several gals that I know from SP have set up blogs over here and I decided that I would set one up for me.
Cheers, for a great 2008!
I find that journaling and writing help me most in figuring out who I am. Where I came from, etc. And I have filled tons of notebooks with my ramblings. But I have not done much more than that. I have wanted to have one place to store all my written work and I think this just might be the place.
I have put together my 2008 goals and I believe they are realistic. I shared them with Dr. V on Monday. She seems to think they are, too. Kinda scary watching her write them down in my chart. And I know she was writing them down, because she asked me to repeat one of them.
Anyways, several gals that I know from SP have set up blogs over here and I decided that I would set one up for me.
Cheers, for a great 2008!
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