Well, it's been a while since I blogged. I have had the best and worst day of my life, this year. Getting the worst out of the way...I had a blow up with my mother this morning...I have been staying at my sister's, and she is here, too. She gets so bossy sometimes. Today, she got mad at me because I spoke up to her...she throws all the stuff from the past at me. It's very frustrating. I just want to scream out at her all the shit that I took, growing up...and that I am an adult and not going to take it anymore. Instead, I make some comment about not being perfect, like she expects, pack up all my stuff, and leave. Only I couldn't really leave, at least not until I finished the laundry. So, I came down to the basement, and read for a bit. Granted, this all happened very early this morning. So, when the dryer was done, I folded up my clothes and then went to the office.
And now for the best....it was a good day at the office. Got alot of stuff done, plus was on SP. I sent all kinds of goodies to the different folks that I have met, on SP. Plus, I booked the hotel for St. Louis. Figured I better, seeing as Jen mentioned that they were going to stay Monday night at the same hotel...I am 100% committed. I paid my $$ and I am going. I am nervous and scared. I have never...well, I can't say never, after all I did fly to Edmonton to see Val and her hubby, after we met online and communicated for a year or so...but this is different. But, not really...These gals are great to chat with and I guess my low self esteem comes up. Especially after that blowout with my mom.
Some of my friends here in town think I am crazy. But, then they are the ones who do not "get" why I do SP, etc. I have to look back..they thought I was crazy when I went to Edmonton. But nevertheless, I am excited....I have a reliable car...at least I hope it is...it's brand new...I had a GREAT week, process serving. Made more than enough money to cover the trip. And the best part...I am going to be free, from worrying about work...the house...Jason...the cats...I am actually doing something for me!!
And, when I get back I will be housesitting for a month for J&S. Then, I will finish my house up and clean up all the mess from the breakin and settle myself into my house. Spend time at home. Figure out who I am. I spend all my time doing things...mostly for others...I need to do something for me.
And as far as my mother...well, I am going to have to deal with that, too. In time. I need her to let me go. Let me live my life..and know I am not perfect. And that I am breaking away from the dysfunction. I need to, for me!!
So, the best and worst, combined.
It feels good getting this down and out of my head.
The plan-Friday, finish up at day job and process serve as many of the new papers that I can
Friday night-go to J&S's and cover all that I will be doing in my housesitting
Saturday-get up early and process serve...until around 3:00pm or so. Go take care of cats and get them setup for the long weekend. Pack..Leave for St. Louis.
Of course, I may not get out of town until a bit later, but I'd like to drive at least 5 hours or so, then find a hotel and call it a night. Up Sunday and finish the drive. I have lots of time to see the scenery and I hope that the weather holds, and roads remain clear.
Fun!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Some of the best things come in brown boxes
Today I got the most wonderful gift! Three people from SP, sent me a cheer me up package. It made me cry. In it were a couple boxes of 100 calorie snack packs, a keychain flashlight, Super "Curious George" who will be watching over the house, a gift card from that I can use to replace the "stolen" bath products, kitty treats for my kitties, and from my buddy Romeo...his favorite St. Louis Cardinals blanket/throw.
When I tried to explain to my cube partner what it represented, he just looked at me like I was "crazy". Well, maybe I am. But then he's a guy, and guys' just don't get it, sometimes.
So, I set Super "Curious George" by my phone to keep me smiling as my workday was a bitch and I put Romeo's blanket on my legs to keep me warm. The office is on the chilly side lately and it was like I had him watching over me, too!
A very nice day, indeed. And brown boxes rock!
When I tried to explain to my cube partner what it represented, he just looked at me like I was "crazy". Well, maybe I am. But then he's a guy, and guys' just don't get it, sometimes.
So, I set Super "Curious George" by my phone to keep me smiling as my workday was a bitch and I put Romeo's blanket on my legs to keep me warm. The office is on the chilly side lately and it was like I had him watching over me, too!
A very nice day, indeed. And brown boxes rock!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
New Car
Well, I did it. I went and bought a new car. 2008 Chevrolet Impala. I still am in awe when I get into it and drive. It has that brand spanking new smell. 27 miles. That is what the odometer says. When I got my 2003 Rendevous on July 11, 2005 it had just over 16,000 miles on it...when I traded it in it had over 76,000 miles. 30 months owning the car and 2000 miles average a month. I am sure I will have miles totalling up soon enough on this car. I think I have driven it about 65 miles so far.
I am staying at my sisters for a few days. I still have work I want to do in my house and didn't want to wear out my welcome at my friends place. So, here I am. I need to put a plan together and have a date that I am going to return to my house. But, right now I just don't want to.
Well, nothing else much to say, except that I am tired and I am calling it a night.
Happy sleeping!
I am staying at my sisters for a few days. I still have work I want to do in my house and didn't want to wear out my welcome at my friends place. So, here I am. I need to put a plan together and have a date that I am going to return to my house. But, right now I just don't want to.
Well, nothing else much to say, except that I am tired and I am calling it a night.
Happy sleeping!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Boring
I am not not wanting to do anything right now. I just want to crawl up and go to sleep somewhere. Not that I am tired. I did get lots of sleep last night. I just ate some shit that I was not really good for me. Those cookies...and then that 1/2 of pasties.
I am so sick to my stomach. Why did I do that? I was overhungry, granted. But the fear I felt when I went and did that posting. I was scared to death someone was going to come out of that house and "get me". I wonder if I am going to ever be myself again? I cannot go up to a friggin house and tape a document to it? My gosh, that's gotta be a simple thing to do.
What am I going to do? I cannot live this way. Will the fear subside? It just sucks that some stupid ass(s) could do this and make me live in fear. I used to be pretty fearless. Now..my own shadow scares me. I have got to get through this...I cannot let this affect me this way.
I am so sick to my stomach. Why did I do that? I was overhungry, granted. But the fear I felt when I went and did that posting. I was scared to death someone was going to come out of that house and "get me". I wonder if I am going to ever be myself again? I cannot go up to a friggin house and tape a document to it? My gosh, that's gotta be a simple thing to do.
What am I going to do? I cannot live this way. Will the fear subside? It just sucks that some stupid ass(s) could do this and make me live in fear. I used to be pretty fearless. Now..my own shadow scares me. I have got to get through this...I cannot let this affect me this way.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Procrastinating
Ok...so the conference call is over, lunch is over...I told my sandbox friends I was heading to my house to clean it. But, here I sit. I cannot continue procrastinating about this. I know, in my head, it's safe there. I know it's daylight. I know I can lock myself in the house. I know I will have my cell phone. I know my cats are braver than me...they are still there...And I need to be, too. Well, I am off to KMart...first...I decided I need rubber gloves. Then, to the house I go.
I have to. I will do this. I can do this. I am a strong, confident woman who has lived on her own for 35 years. I am letting some asswipe control me, with fear? Some pathetic asshole...brings me to this? I need to remind myself that I AM a survivor. I have survived many tramatic things in my childhood...and I will SURVIVE this!
To KMart I go.
I have to. I will do this. I can do this. I am a strong, confident woman who has lived on her own for 35 years. I am letting some asswipe control me, with fear? Some pathetic asshole...brings me to this? I need to remind myself that I AM a survivor. I have survived many tramatic things in my childhood...and I will SURVIVE this!
To KMart I go.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Violated
Well, it's taken me some time to sit here and write about what happened to me Monday night.
It pisses me off that someone took it upon themselves to enter my home, univited, and do the stuff that was done. First, just going in...next taking a shit in front of my refrigerator. Was that a message...like shit on you for not having any money or good food in the freezer? Who knows. My freezer was raided and 80% of food taken or left out to thaw. One thing I know is that the thief must not like califlower. Both packages were left behind. One on the table, the other on top of the refrigerator. Nor, open packages..The Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches were left melted on the table.
How Monday night unfolded...first, lucky for me...don't ask why I say lucky, because no luck was there at home when I arrived...I got home just before 10:00pm...lucky it was not 3 or 4 in the am. I am walking to my back door and I notice a set of footprints and what looks like bike tracks going to my backyard. I remember thinking that's strange...see we just had some fresh snow, not much, but enough that prints were left. I step up on the back porch and it's eeire, because I do not see a white door looking at me through the storm door. I see inside my house. Not a good feeling. I open the storm door and step in...I am thinking I know I shut this door when I left this morning...I know I did...then I look to the left and I see the door to my kitchen is open...well I KNOW, for a fact, that was closed. It is closed all the time. See, I have three cats. And two of them do not get along. So, one stays in the basement and the other two on the main floor. I could also see my freezer door was open...well, I backed myself out of the house, and somehow made it to my car and locked myself in. Call 911...breathe...call 911 breathe...I was hyperventalating...and all I could think about was what if they are still in there? What about my cats? What about that brand new freakin' laptop that I just bought? Finally, I get through to the city 911...they take the information...and say they will have a car out as soon as possible? soon as possible..what's with that? Don't they get it? Someone may still be in there...I call my neighbor as I see her lights are on. She wants me to come in and wait there. I do. Why are the police not coming? It's been 20 minutes. I am finally breathing normally...Now it's been a half hour..now I am thinking why did I drink all that water...I have to pee...I cannot pee here. It's been more than 30 minutes. Time to call them again. 911 tells me "They know" they will be there as soon as they can. about 50 minutes after my first call, I get a call from another friend whose brother just called him to tell him that police were on the way. He has a police scanner and that was the first call out on it.
I go outside and the officer comes up and tells me to stay in their house. She was waiting for backup and they would go in my house to check and see if anyone still is in there. They come back in a couple minutes and she wants me to go with her. To see what is missing in my house.
How the hell do I know. Shit is thrown all over the place. I look for the new 19" flat screen TV/computer monitor I recently bought. It had been sitting in the corner, by the stove...gone...I just see shit all over the place..not physical shit, like what was left in front of my refrigerator. But all my stuff has been tossed all over. I cannot find the remote to my lights, so we are navigating around in the dark, with her flashlight. I go to the front porch...more stuff thrown all over the place..how can I tell if anything is missing???
Next, I think..laptop...go to the bedroom and there it is...sitting on my bed..well, that's nice. They left that...but all my drawers were open dumped on the floor, my bed, all over the place. Well, I am relieved about the laptop...but the house is a mess. Stuff strewn all over the place..from the closets, the shelves..Unimaginable.
Nothing else big was missing, that I could tell, anyways. Who knows on the small stuff. What kind of jewelry did I have in my jewelry box? I don't know..it's been several years since I wore any. I do know it wasn't expensive...
So, all I want to do is get out of there. I had made plans to spend the night at Jerry and Earl's..so I ran down to the basement...which pretty much looked untouched...who knows though..I have to get down there and go through the stuff. Went to the dryer and grabbed some clothes and went up the stairs, with the officer.
She suggests that I call and get the locks changed..that Home Depot is open 24 hours for this. Well, I for one, did not think I wanted to shell out the $$ for a midnight service call, so I decided to turn the outside lights on and lock both the deadbolt and the regular lock. She asked me about who might have keys to my house..might I have left the house unlocked...stuff like that. Like in the condition my mind was in, I would know?
I know I make a habit of double checking the door every time I leave to make sure it's locked. I know I didn't make a habit of using a deadbolt. I knew that I have a doggie door, that was latched from the inside. And MOST OF ALL I KNEW someone had been in my house, UNIVITED!!
Well, I cannot do anything more, so I walk to the car and drive to Jerry and Earl's. We talk for a bit and then go to bed. I cannot sleep. I get up 4 or 5 times to pee...after all I did drink like 24 waters that day..I remember seeing 2:57AM on the clock. I jumped at every outside sound. I lay awake after a mini nightmares. Finally, it's time to get up. It's light outside. I grab my clothes and decide to head home. I want to see what it looks like in the daylight. I look around and just shake my head. I do find all three of my cats. One was locked out on the front porch, the other two came to me, when I here "kitty, kittied". I went and got into the shower, thinking about everything I would be clearing out. I was going to throw out everything that was not being used, or have plans for using. As I go to reach for my shampoo, it's not there. I think, what the F?? Where is it? I start looking and I see all the body wash stuff is gone. That's great...what kind of thief leaves a laptop, but takes shampoo? A dirty one? A shitty one? Who knows. I finish up, not washing my hair, and get dressed and out of there.
I go to Home Depot and buy new locks and deadbolts.. Also, I buy a dusk to dawn thing to put in my light socket over the back door. And industrial strength garbage bags...I am getting rid of everything in there...that I can. All food, toothbrushes, toothpaste...all of it. Trash...I will have a clean empty house. That remains lit up at all times. And the TV blaring, too.
I planned to do a night of cleaning and then sleep today. But, I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that I decided to find a cheap hotel and spend the night there. I checked in about 4pm yesterday and slept a couple hours. Then, up and went and got something to eat, then stopped at KMart and bought some shampoo, toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash...all that stuff..and a new pair of jeans. Three sizes smaller than I have been wearing. I am amazed. And on clearance, too. So, then back to the hotel and watch the Biggest Loser. Then, I call it a night and sleep like a baby. Triple locked in my room..no one is gonna get me. No one.
Tonight I am planning on staying at my house. I am nervous, and scared. But I have to stay there, sometime, right? I don't know how I am going to get through this.
I have too. I have to remember I live with 3 cats. That's not gonna change. I can only make myself safer. Gonna look into getting an alarm system, too.
Violated. Sucks. Hope whoever did this, dies...soon..or better yet, gets violated. Maybe next house that this thief hits, has something hit him/her first.
Bitter. Yes. Very. My life has been changed. By some asshole(s). For what? Food? Shampoo? A TV? Sucks.
It pisses me off that someone took it upon themselves to enter my home, univited, and do the stuff that was done. First, just going in...next taking a shit in front of my refrigerator. Was that a message...like shit on you for not having any money or good food in the freezer? Who knows. My freezer was raided and 80% of food taken or left out to thaw. One thing I know is that the thief must not like califlower. Both packages were left behind. One on the table, the other on top of the refrigerator. Nor, open packages..The Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches were left melted on the table.
How Monday night unfolded...first, lucky for me...don't ask why I say lucky, because no luck was there at home when I arrived...I got home just before 10:00pm...lucky it was not 3 or 4 in the am. I am walking to my back door and I notice a set of footprints and what looks like bike tracks going to my backyard. I remember thinking that's strange...see we just had some fresh snow, not much, but enough that prints were left. I step up on the back porch and it's eeire, because I do not see a white door looking at me through the storm door. I see inside my house. Not a good feeling. I open the storm door and step in...I am thinking I know I shut this door when I left this morning...I know I did...then I look to the left and I see the door to my kitchen is open...well I KNOW, for a fact, that was closed. It is closed all the time. See, I have three cats. And two of them do not get along. So, one stays in the basement and the other two on the main floor. I could also see my freezer door was open...well, I backed myself out of the house, and somehow made it to my car and locked myself in. Call 911...breathe...call 911 breathe...I was hyperventalating...and all I could think about was what if they are still in there? What about my cats? What about that brand new freakin' laptop that I just bought? Finally, I get through to the city 911...they take the information...and say they will have a car out as soon as possible? soon as possible..what's with that? Don't they get it? Someone may still be in there...I call my neighbor as I see her lights are on. She wants me to come in and wait there. I do. Why are the police not coming? It's been 20 minutes. I am finally breathing normally...Now it's been a half hour..now I am thinking why did I drink all that water...I have to pee...I cannot pee here. It's been more than 30 minutes. Time to call them again. 911 tells me "They know" they will be there as soon as they can. about 50 minutes after my first call, I get a call from another friend whose brother just called him to tell him that police were on the way. He has a police scanner and that was the first call out on it.
I go outside and the officer comes up and tells me to stay in their house. She was waiting for backup and they would go in my house to check and see if anyone still is in there. They come back in a couple minutes and she wants me to go with her. To see what is missing in my house.
How the hell do I know. Shit is thrown all over the place. I look for the new 19" flat screen TV/computer monitor I recently bought. It had been sitting in the corner, by the stove...gone...I just see shit all over the place..not physical shit, like what was left in front of my refrigerator. But all my stuff has been tossed all over. I cannot find the remote to my lights, so we are navigating around in the dark, with her flashlight. I go to the front porch...more stuff thrown all over the place..how can I tell if anything is missing???
Next, I think..laptop...go to the bedroom and there it is...sitting on my bed..well, that's nice. They left that...but all my drawers were open dumped on the floor, my bed, all over the place. Well, I am relieved about the laptop...but the house is a mess. Stuff strewn all over the place..from the closets, the shelves..Unimaginable.
Nothing else big was missing, that I could tell, anyways. Who knows on the small stuff. What kind of jewelry did I have in my jewelry box? I don't know..it's been several years since I wore any. I do know it wasn't expensive...
So, all I want to do is get out of there. I had made plans to spend the night at Jerry and Earl's..so I ran down to the basement...which pretty much looked untouched...who knows though..I have to get down there and go through the stuff. Went to the dryer and grabbed some clothes and went up the stairs, with the officer.
She suggests that I call and get the locks changed..that Home Depot is open 24 hours for this. Well, I for one, did not think I wanted to shell out the $$ for a midnight service call, so I decided to turn the outside lights on and lock both the deadbolt and the regular lock. She asked me about who might have keys to my house..might I have left the house unlocked...stuff like that. Like in the condition my mind was in, I would know?
I know I make a habit of double checking the door every time I leave to make sure it's locked. I know I didn't make a habit of using a deadbolt. I knew that I have a doggie door, that was latched from the inside. And MOST OF ALL I KNEW someone had been in my house, UNIVITED!!
Well, I cannot do anything more, so I walk to the car and drive to Jerry and Earl's. We talk for a bit and then go to bed. I cannot sleep. I get up 4 or 5 times to pee...after all I did drink like 24 waters that day..I remember seeing 2:57AM on the clock. I jumped at every outside sound. I lay awake after a mini nightmares. Finally, it's time to get up. It's light outside. I grab my clothes and decide to head home. I want to see what it looks like in the daylight. I look around and just shake my head. I do find all three of my cats. One was locked out on the front porch, the other two came to me, when I here "kitty, kittied". I went and got into the shower, thinking about everything I would be clearing out. I was going to throw out everything that was not being used, or have plans for using. As I go to reach for my shampoo, it's not there. I think, what the F?? Where is it? I start looking and I see all the body wash stuff is gone. That's great...what kind of thief leaves a laptop, but takes shampoo? A dirty one? A shitty one? Who knows. I finish up, not washing my hair, and get dressed and out of there.
I go to Home Depot and buy new locks and deadbolts.. Also, I buy a dusk to dawn thing to put in my light socket over the back door. And industrial strength garbage bags...I am getting rid of everything in there...that I can. All food, toothbrushes, toothpaste...all of it. Trash...I will have a clean empty house. That remains lit up at all times. And the TV blaring, too.
I planned to do a night of cleaning and then sleep today. But, I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that I decided to find a cheap hotel and spend the night there. I checked in about 4pm yesterday and slept a couple hours. Then, up and went and got something to eat, then stopped at KMart and bought some shampoo, toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash...all that stuff..and a new pair of jeans. Three sizes smaller than I have been wearing. I am amazed. And on clearance, too. So, then back to the hotel and watch the Biggest Loser. Then, I call it a night and sleep like a baby. Triple locked in my room..no one is gonna get me. No one.
Tonight I am planning on staying at my house. I am nervous, and scared. But I have to stay there, sometime, right? I don't know how I am going to get through this.
I have too. I have to remember I live with 3 cats. That's not gonna change. I can only make myself safer. Gonna look into getting an alarm system, too.
Violated. Sucks. Hope whoever did this, dies...soon..or better yet, gets violated. Maybe next house that this thief hits, has something hit him/her first.
Bitter. Yes. Very. My life has been changed. By some asshole(s). For what? Food? Shampoo? A TV? Sucks.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The F word
Gonna eliminate it from my life. No longer will I let the F word define me, or my life.
Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time to start on the elimination process of the F word from my life.
I know that I cannot do everything, all at one time, or else I will burn out..and hurt myself..and then never want to work out again.
So, I started out on the bike. Went 20 minutes. Moved on to the ellipitcal. Thought I could do at least 5 minutes...haha..I lasted 2.5 minutes and was ready to collapse. Well, 2.5 is better than none. Take that F word. Slow but sure YOU will be off my body, and out of my life.
By the reads of it, I have some hate towards the F word. And that's right...I hate being the F word. I hate all the the F word represents to me and my body. I am tired of the F word being total consuming of my life. I am kicking the F word -- out.
One day and step at a time...F will be disappearing from me. Going, going, gone. One pound at a time. Hell, one ounce at a time...I just know it's time for the F word and me to end our relationship.
Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time to start on the elimination process of the F word from my life.
I know that I cannot do everything, all at one time, or else I will burn out..and hurt myself..and then never want to work out again.
So, I started out on the bike. Went 20 minutes. Moved on to the ellipitcal. Thought I could do at least 5 minutes...haha..I lasted 2.5 minutes and was ready to collapse. Well, 2.5 is better than none. Take that F word. Slow but sure YOU will be off my body, and out of my life.
By the reads of it, I have some hate towards the F word. And that's right...I hate being the F word. I hate all the the F word represents to me and my body. I am tired of the F word being total consuming of my life. I am kicking the F word -- out.
One day and step at a time...F will be disappearing from me. Going, going, gone. One pound at a time. Hell, one ounce at a time...I just know it's time for the F word and me to end our relationship.
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